All things Scared….and a Beautiful Presence

So, first for the picture. That was us 8 years ago. I posted that because this episode takes us back to that year when we first got back together. Our wonderful, mutual friend Donna told us, not once but twice, that we were meant to be together. And, damn if she didn’t make it happen. Now, this family is the most wonderful and amazing thing. And that was the spark for this episode. The doctor told me in plain English that I would never have kids through the normal act of sex. And of course you can depend on moms to hold out hope beyond anyone else. The words still ring in my ear as I sat in her office, “You just haven’t met the right one yet.” Sure mom. Where did you get your medical degree?

It gets hard. It gets ugly. It gets messy. After this episode I even had a long debate with myself about whether or not to even continue the podcast. At least in its current form. Out of just a mere 10 episodes (weeks) I think this podcast has caused more disagreement and contention between the two of us than I really care to admit or even dreamed we would have. The whole point of this was to be intentional and bring a deeper intimacy. It can be difficult when the other person doesn’t see your vision. The person that is supposed to stand in your corner and shout, “Hell yeah, we are doing this!”

I think she is on board, but she is not “ON BOARD”. She told me she doesn’t even listen to the podcasts because she is there and knows what she said. So, what really is the point of listening? Fair enough. I guess I never really thought to ask if she even reads my posts because it is one of those things that I would just assume she would want to do. Does she even like or share my posts? I’ll find out soon enough. But, then again, my expectations could be out of line with the reality of it. I suppose the irony of it all is that my whole business revolves around the institution of marriage and convincing the God fearing men how important that relationship really is and I am still wondering what it is going to take to really launch my marriage to the highest level possible.

What would that even feel like? How will I know I am there? What will that do for me? For her? Our children?

I know it won’t work until all the layers are peeled back. I can hear it when she talks to me. The hesitancy. The, “Oh my God, I don’t want to say anything wrong. What would people think.” I feel as though I have been wearing to many masks for way to long. I am different with my parents than when I am at home than when I am at school or when I am in the general public. And my God is it exhausting.

This woman is beautiful. Inside and out. She is my world. My heart beat. 2nd only to God. I think I failed to pursue her 18 years ago because God not only knew I was not ready but he knew at the time how unworthy I was to be in her presence. Her beautiful presence. God has truly given me a gift.

One thought on “All things Scared….and a Beautiful Presence

Leave a Reply